December 2012
2 posts
ask me about something too personal for the Internet (ha ha ha if there is such a thing)
jurulia dot tumblr dot com slash ask :-)
god dammit
why do you do that? why do you ignore me for weeks at a time and then apologize? why do you tell me to get mad at you, you ass? you know I’m not going to yell at you jesus I think I’ve been subconsciously trying to teach you how to be a good friend. but I am usually mad and I don’t think you’re a good friend, even though I always say you are. in fact you are a rather shitty...
November 2012
8 posts
I hate you but I still want you to like me and this faux friendliness your sensing is the only way I can act to make myself comfortable. it’s not false if it natural and honest is it
why is my mom snoring in “s” sounds?
tw self hate
Every time I drive Eric anywhere I basically trap him in my car and then talk about how much I hate myself and how worthless I am and how my response to everyone else’s behavior is self-hate
and today he said “I’m confused by what you expect from people.” and at first I was just like “I want people to be close to me” and that’s a lot to ask I guess but maybe not idk I don’t want people to...
wow i want to die
i hate myself wow
usually when I’m sitting in this not-alert way, I’m imagining at least one way to kill myself without actually having to move
i would like to have an intellectual conversation with another human being about how much i hate myself without the other person ever telling me that i shouldn’t hate myself, or in any way try to reverse my opinion
but that can’t happen and i’m not pitying myself or looking for love but i analyze myself a lot and, as psychology has taught me, no one can observe/experiment on...
i’m writing in a journal to see how well i can write and so far the consensus is that i write not too well but everything i want to write about is really sad and i’m running out of ways to say “self-loathing”
October 2012
16 posts
I don’t have a lot of control of my self-hatred and I often wish other people would help me reign it in but I also know that it is too much to ask and so I will never never ask someone to do that and somewhere along the way I will supposedly become a happier person,
however the fuck that works
self-loathing with a side of hypocrisy and a tablespoon of arsenic
tw: body image; body negativity
today helena, kendall, and i were talking about why people don’t like us (lol everyone loves helena) and i said something like “i honestly think it’s because i am really out-spoken, but i’m not good-looking enough to get away with it” and this had the effect i didn’t want it to have where kendall said “that’s the...
1 tag
i am
undesirable
unlovable
unnecessary
unsuccessful
and i don’t want this negative energy in my life all the time but i don’t know how to escape it seeing as i have literally built my identity around being sad and being “on my way” to being happy but never actually happy and it comes in waves and right now i’m at the trough i think (why the fuck am i using actual...
bleep bloop I need to work on not being a needy codependent mess ha ha
it’s funny because i want people to come love me so that I’ll feel better about being needy and codependent
this is not going to be an easy one to get over uGh
nerves eep someone scratch my stupid head
my mom found my cigarettes
good bye forever
this sounds silly but it really kinda hurts my feelings when my mom and drew have sex while I’m home. I’ve asked her not to, my therapist has pointed out to her that that’s really inappropriate, so she obviously knows it especially bothers me. not to mention I am in the room right below theirs whenever they do this. it makes me furious that she’s that inconsiderate and that...
September 2012
8 posts
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
beat the shit out of me
why is it okay for everyone to consistently ignore me, drop the ball on plans with me, talk down to me, be mean to me, and completely disregard my feelings
i feel like shit all the time
i feel ashamed to be me. i don’t want to be needy i don’t want to be the friend who is always begging people to talk to me and hang out with me and stuff but i feel so god damn unsupported and tired...
August 2012
23 posts
I only ever want taco bell
I cried a lot and avoided my family and my friends avoided me
it must be my birthday
now I’m going to get stoned and cry
to an extent I feel like my friends and I all feed off of each others’ mental illnesses and we kind if accidentally idolize being *fucked up* and to be perfectly honest I would like nothing more than to be uninteresting, but happy. I would love to grow up and live in a house with my partner and some kids, making an average salary. I think i used to like being in the group of fucked up sad...
also i’m really fucking god damn sick so i said “FUCK WORK” and left
(i didn’t really say that) :C
i’m always saying aloud “i’m super hot so like __________________” and mostly i say that to assure myself that i’m super hot but i don’t really think i’m that hot isn’t it sad
how many times am i going to watch the girl with the dragon tattoo before i realize that i’ms spending more money renting it than i would have been buying it
every time i let my friends treat me worse than they should i feel like i’m letting my self-worth fall. i am important and i deserve to be treated better than i am and i hate that i have to i guess remind myself of that? i should just know it and act accordingly but i very rarely do i very VERY rarely hold other people accountable for their wrongdoings and i’m kind of ashamed of that
i just wanna like get high and have sex but it hasn’t worked out for me in the past so idk
give me midol or give me death you think i’m kidding test me
I am not doing well and I’m sorry you had to know that
I just feel
like
shit
I never lose
who am I kidding I alwayz lose look what I’ve been doing for what 8 months why did I think that it would be different with a different person all I’m asking for is a different person
why am I not good enough
