jewrulia

ask me about something too personal for the Internet (ha ha ha if there is such a thing) jurulia...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 21:31:26 -0500

ask me about something too personal for the Internet (ha ha ha if there is such a thing)

jurulia dot tumblr dot com slash ask :-)

god dammit

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:59:23 -0500

why do you do that? why do you ignore me for weeks at a time and then apologize? why do you tell me to get mad at you, you ass? you know I’m not going to yell at you jesus I think I’ve been subconsciously trying to teach you how to be a good friend. but I am usually mad and I don’t think you’re a good friend, even though I always say you are. in fact you are a rather shitty friend but I still think you’re rad and smart and stuff and I’d still like to be your friend but here’s the thing, every time you ignore me, I remember that you’ve ignored me. and I hate being that person that cares more. It’s just that you’re so nice to me when we’re talking but you ignore me.

you’ve really hurt my dignity. I try to make it clear to my friends that I care about them. you’ve made it clear to me that you don’t care about me.

I hate being this person and I’m regularly this person

I hate you but I still want you to like me and this faux friendliness your sensing is the only way I...

Sat, 24 Nov 2012 01:38:43 -0500

I hate you but I still want you to like me and this faux friendliness your sensing is the only way I can act to make myself comfortable. it’s not false if it natural and honest is it

why is my mom snoring in “s” sounds?

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 01:02:34 -0500

why is my mom snoring in “s” sounds?

tw self hate

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 01:00:36 -0500

Every time I drive Eric anywhere I basically trap him in my car and then talk about how much I hate myself and how worthless I am and how my response to everyone else’s behavior is self-hate

and today he said “I’m confused by what you expect from people.” and at first I was just like “I want people to be close to me” and that’s a lot to ask I guess but maybe not idk I don’t want people to pretend to be close to me but then not be close to me at all I want to be supported I’m not supported at all do you see me I fall apart regularly and falling apart and putting myself back together every 4 or 5 hours is making me rather lethargic and I just want to die so badly but I feel like even though I’m worth literally nothing right now I am maybe going to be worth something in the future like if I write good books or something

but time is unfamiliar and unforgiving

wow i want to die

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 00:14:45 -0500

wow i want to die

i hate myself wow

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 23:47:57 -0500

i hate myself wow

youarecordiallyinvitedtopissoff: Carrie Levy

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 19:17:02 -0500

youarecordiallyinvitedtopissoff:

Carrie Levy

Photo

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 19:16:10 -0500

usually when I’m sitting in this not-alert way, I’m imagining at least one way to kill...

Tue, 20 Nov 2012 04:25:49 -0500

usually when I’m sitting in this not-alert way, I’m imagining at least one way to kill myself without actually having to move

i would like to have an intellectual conversation with another human being about how much i hate...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:39:35 -0400

i would like to have an intellectual conversation with another human being about how much i hate myself without the other person ever telling me that i shouldn’t hate myself, or in any way try to reverse my opinion

but that can’t happen and i’m not pitying myself or looking for love but i analyze myself a lot and, as psychology has taught me, no one can observe/experiment on themselves and expect to come to any valid conclusion so a second party would be helpful

now excepting applications for partner in intellect

i’m writing in a journal to see how well i can write and so far the consensus is that i write...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:34:21 -0400

i’m writing in a journal to see how well i can write and so far the consensus is that i write not too well but everything i want to write about is really sad and i’m running out of ways to say “self-loathing”

I don’t have a lot of control of my self-hatred and I often wish other people would help me...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 01:23:06 -0400

I don’t have a lot of control of my self-hatred and I often wish other people would help me reign it in but I also know that it is too much to ask and so I will never never ask someone to do that and somewhere along the way I will supposedly become a happier person,

however the fuck that works

self-loathing with a side of hypocrisy and a tablespoon of arsenic

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 22:13:06 -0400

self-loathing with a side of hypocrisy and a tablespoon of arsenic

tw: body image; body negativity today helena, kendall, and i were talking about why people...

Thu, 25 Oct 2012 22:04:00 -0400

tw: body image; body negativity

today helena, kendall, and i were talking about why people don’t like us (lol everyone loves helena) and i said something like “i honestly think it’s because i am really out-spoken, but i’m not good-looking enough to get away with it” and this had the effect i didn’t want it to have where kendall said “that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard, i must be really ugly then” and helena said “you aren’t bad looking” and i kind of didn’t respond to either and then kendall was like “yeah girl you’re beautiful” and helena said “i think your weight is a factor though” and then she immediately went “was that too harsh? i’m sorry” and i didn’t even make a face or anything after she said that i just kind of kept a stoic look and like here’s the thing, i’m not mad at helena at all for saying that (why would i be, it’s true, and she didn’t insult me), but it still makes me feel pretty bad and has me thinking a lot about my appearance and makes me not want to eat and i guess what i heard from her comment is that i would be pretty if i was thinner and i don’t know if i can psychologically afford to have that mindset. i’ve worked really hard to keep a body-positive image of myself, but it has effected my weight, because i don’t care as much about my weight as i used to, so i eat more, and have gained weight, consequently.

i am undesirable unlovable unnecessary unsuccessful and i don’t want this negative energy in...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 23:09:00 -0400

i am

undesirable
unlovable
unnecessary
unsuccessful

and i don’t want this negative energy in my life all the time but i don’t know how to escape it seeing as i have literally built my identity around being sad and being “on my way” to being happy but never actually happy and it comes in waves and right now i’m at the trough i think (why the fuck am i using actual terminology sorry) and i just want to not go to school or work again because if i write and i do a good job i won’t need to do anything ever again other than write and i can self-exile and live on an island in maine and leave without telling anyone and maybe fake my death and then i won’t think about how they aren’t trying to contact me because they don’t care about me or because i always annoyed them or because they’re happy i left, all i’ll see is them being sad because they think i’m dead and then i’ll feel like i meant something to them even though i didn’t. no one favors me because i am clingy and obnoxious and needy as fuck and i fucking hate mysefl for it

Photo

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 23:12:06 -0400

silfarione: A Streetcar Named Desire, Marlon Brando kneeling...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 23:11:24 -0400

silfarione:

A Streetcar Named Desire, Marlon Brando kneeling before Kim Hunter. Photo by Eliot Elisofon, 1947.

bleep bloop I need to work on not being a needy codependent mess ha ha it’s funny because i...

Fri, 05 Oct 2012 23:07:35 -0400

bleep bloop I need to work on not being a needy codependent mess ha ha

it’s funny because i want people to come love me so that I’ll feel better about being needy and codependent

this is not going to be an easy one to get over uGh

nerves eep someone scratch my stupid head

Thu, 04 Oct 2012 17:27:23 -0400

nerves eep someone scratch my stupid head